Insomnia

I have to admit that I had succumbed to a lazy late-to-bed and late-out-of-bed schedule over the past few weeks. The schedule allows to sleep a lot and in general do nothing - the precise reason why you start to hate it as well. It reads something like wake up at 2-3 PM, have a nice "breakfast" by 3-4 PM. Watch the TV, catch a movie, walk around, go off to the nearby coffee shop, etc. the while evening to night time. Come back around midnight and read a book or see any nice movie on the TV. In no time, its early morning - there is a slight chill and you feel tired. A perfect combination to get back to the cozy bed and sleep like you have no care in the world.

While the schedule has its charms, its incredibly unproductive. It just doesn't allow you to work - be it anything, personal or official. Every night, you wonder why you are stuck to this stupid schedule, but end up repeating the same schedule the very next day. Its addictive and very difficult to break out of. I had been consumed by this monster for quite some time but resolved to break free.

The recovery plan had been in place for quite some time, but was only put into action 2 days ago. It is quite a simple strategy - try and wake up 4 hrs earlier than the day before till your naturally start to feel sleepy at 11-12 PM. The first day of recovery I had little trouble in waking up at 11 AM, but then disaster struck. Despite my tiredness, I just couldn't fall asleep the following night. Therefore, I had to stay awake the next day after a complete night-out. But, I succumbed to the fatigue - slept for roughly 3 hrs. The night was much better - I could sleep by 12 PM and woke up at next morning 8.30 AM. I thought I had passed the acid test.

I was wrong. After going to bed at 12 midnight, I could hardly muster 2 hours sleep before waking up at 2 AM. And I am wide awake - not the remotest feeling of sleepiness. I realize it would take more than 2-3 days of forced wake-ups to rectify a mistake of few weeks, if not months. But I am determined this time around to make it happen. It seems a straight battle between my determination to halt and change the momentum gained over the past few months. I hope I succeed.

Starting Anew

Today is an important day. A simple truth, which I had denied recognition, has finally pried my closed eyes open. I can no longer ignore it. I have to accept the the truth, learn my lessons well and abide by the resulting rules.

I hope this will help me regain my old self - someone who could enjoy solitude, think clearly and act promptly. The path towards regaining myself would be hard, but it shall bear fruits in the end.

I promise not to let myself down.

Cost of Guilt

We all make mistakes. It is an integral part of what defines us as human. There are situations we face everyday, decisions we take. These decisions are not always in sync with our core thoughts and values; values we would like to adhere to. Circumstances force us to change our line of thought. What may be termed as change, can also be looked upon as a lack of integrity, or guts to stand by one’s belief. These are difficult situations to deal with. Problems with either no solutions or the paths leading to the right solution are so arduous that we fear to tread it.

The problems have their root in the basic understanding we have of what is right and what is wrong. Some rights and wrongs we inherit from our environment, but most others are defined by the answers we arrive at after deep introspection. Over a period of time, we develop certain frameworks which we consider as sacrosanct. Beliefs we stick to, taking on considerable difficulties at times. They become ingrained in our persona.

We face challenges all the time. The challenges grow with time, both in terms of strength and intricacy. Each test we pass strengthens our resolve, but at the same time helping us to refine our understanding of our value system. This process continues till the resolve fails or a change is necessitated. It is a painful realization. You don’t want to admit defeat, even if it is as apparent as it can be. One looks for excuses, reasons, etc. to console himself/ herself, to justify the developments. But deep inside, one knows. At times like these, the mind comes up with ingenious strategies to lessen the guilt feeling. One such method is to quantify the cost of guilt and trying to pay for it.

Guilt cannot be quantified. It is a feeling that stays with a person. But, there are various ways the escapist within tries to put a price to lessen/ remove the guilt feeling. Religion has, over the ages, prepared an exhaustive set of guidelines on the same. Another method could be to assess the loss incurred the last time one did not relent. The more imaginative a mind is, the more ways it can come up with. However, it is only a temporary patch up. Like an attempt to draw a line on water.

I had an encounter on similar lines. I built up a paper castle around my guilt and tried to buy my guilt off. Unfortunately, it did not come off. The castle ended up in ashes, making me face the reality I had been trying to avoid. Below the surface, it was always clear to me. Even a momentary attempt at unburdening myself failed.

Evolution – A Defensive System's Perspective

The only constant is change. In the context of living beings, change can be translated to evolution. We all evolve, over time, through changing environment settings. It is an unending process. We all have defensive mechanisms, both biological and psychological ones. They serve us well against outside forces, which are detrimental to our well being. But, such a system is only as good as it has evolved into. Its effectiveness is largely a product of the variety of environs it has been exposed to.

Consider a situation. An outside element enters a body, for the first time. The defensive system has no prior experience with this foreign object. Initially, it suffers. But slowly, it gathers forces and develops arsenal to counter the new threat. Now, the developments can take two courses, the exposure can either be sustained or brief. Let us consider either.

Firstly, if the exposure is brief then the system has limited knowledge and information to develop the requisite defense mechanisms. The information, often inadequate, could lead to insufficient faculties against future attacks. The upside is a narrow period of initial discomfort and sufficient recovery period. In the second case, it would be a prolonged period of discomfort. The system would need to evolve through the information gathered over time to arrive at as best a defensive mechanism as possible. Permanence could be its hallmark.

In real life, this can be related to the difficult circumstances we find ourselves in. Often we pray for the period to get over as soon as possible, and feel that we have developed a strong enough mechanism for similar problems in the future. This, while comfortable in the short run, can lead to prolonged and more severe problems later on. That is, if the cause decides on a revisit. On the other hand, an initial prolonged period of discomfort would enable us to prepare ourselves more thoroughly. It would be much tougher, but this is the only path towards a permanent solution. It is akin to building towards the future. It is important to have patience and belief in one’s resolve. Perhaps the saying, “It is darkest just before dawn” captures the attitude to have.

I encountered a familiar situation recently. Having had a brief exposure to a foreign element a few months ago, followed by a prolonged period of isolation, my system had developed a defensive mechanism. It seemed strong. But, as hindsight shows, it was very fragile. A second exposure exposed its frailties. It wasn’t strong enough. But this time, the element seems here to stay. It promises a much more sustained exposure. Hopefully the time window would be sufficient to build a most lasting system.

Resonance

Places, images and voices – these three, though not exhaustive, act as the major channels to what we know as an experience. These can be seen as information channels. They form an eclectic mix, each correlated to the others. A re-visit to a past location often plays a wonderful movie – a journey to the past. Suddenly, all the moments’ one spent at the place, the time, the atmosphere. It almost seems as if one is in a state of trance, his mind playing the director and orchestrating the amazing sights.

As it so happens, there is a mix of experiences one has at any particular place, or with any person. It so happens that the more intense or emotionally draining ones come first, and faster. Perhaps it can be because the more intense an experience is, the deeper is its footprint in our mind. Time erodes these marks away, but it can never completely remove it. I guess events like these define and evolve us as individuals.

I deluded myself into believing that I have escaped this intricate tapestry. That I could break through this powerful net, wade through the powerful current of memories. That I could delete or compartmentalize any links to a past experience and with it all the associated visuals, sounds and feelings. Especially the ones I don’t want to remember, the more depressing ones. I was proved wrong.

Today, I visited such a place. The very first minutes triggered an uncontrollable chain of actions. The locks to the compartment containing all associated experiences broke. They felt feeble. The illusion I had been nurturing vanished into thin air. Reality dawned upon me. The walls, locks, compartments, deletion, etc. they were nothing but figments of my imagination. Ones I had started to mistake for reality. And to make matter worse, I could not run away. I had no escape. Years of practice meant I could hide the nervousness, the familiar feel of gushing emotions and “weak-in-your-knees” feelings. They did not register to the outer world. But they did register a bigger impact somewhere else. It felt weird. My Achilles heel was out there in the open for any Paris to aim an arrow at. Sad but true.

I think and wonder if I would ever be able to grow out of all these mental trials and tribulations.
I wish. If only.

The song – “I am a rock – Simon and Garfunkel” springs to mind, especially the following lines.

Dont talk of love,

But Ive heard the words before;

Its sleeping in my memory.

I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.

If I never loved I never would have cried.

Maike – The In-Law’s Place

The nagging started a few days ago. It had been going on for some time now. I could sense the signs, but failed in measuring their intensity. The short less-than-a-day visits still existed, but they somehow failed to reduce the anxiety that was building up.

My sweetheart had been throwing up tantrums for a couple of months now. She was longing to visit her family. I attempted to assuage her feelings by paying a couple of visits. But I failed in detecting her real want. The need to spend a few days away, with her folks.

Basically, I tried to think like myself, while being in her position. It was an experiment doomed from the start. Things, that are irrational by definition, should not be rationalized. It is a mistake I often make, a trap I frequently fall into. And it happened, again.

She, without an alternative, decided to force me to drop her off at her “parents’” place. It is hard without her. But I guess like all human beings, I would adapt to the situation. And more importantly it is only a few days. I guess these days of solitude should help me reflect upon the situation properly and learn my lesson properly.

p.s. My sweetheart is my dear car, a Silver colored 2005 Model Suzuki Swift. It has been a few months since I last drove her to the workshop. There was no need. A recent accident necessitated a visit. I would have to re-acquaint myself with my legs or a motor-bike for the coming few days.

The Tissue Paper and the Handkerchief

“What am I?” asked the sad and distraught tissue-paper. It could not reconcile to its present fate. All the sweet words and promises, comparisons and hopes, utility and necessity, somehow couldn’t add up to what these words were supposed to mean. It was confused and devastated, unable to come to terms with its present situation. To understand, let us try to go through the same path that landed our dear tissue paper in hell.

The tissue paper was a lively character. It was enthusiastic and firmly believed in doing its best. It tried hard and liked to see the simplicity in everything. It had adopted honesty and frankness as the basis of its interactions with others. One fine day, a user came across. Like most others of her/his ilk, the intention was clear. Use the tissue paper. However, there was a slightly different aspect as well. The usage was not to be limited to the usual, but had a deeper need to it. It was something the everyday tissue paper might not have been able to do, or would not have liked to do. Hence there was a need to get our dear tissue paper to fulfill the roles chalked out for it.

Thus, a plan was devised. It was simple, but required a slight maneuvering on part of the user. The plan had its base in using the tissue paper’s simplicity of thought. The tissue paper was approached, cautiously at first. Upon winning its trust, the tissue paper was made to feel it had the same place in the user’s importance list as her/his handkerchief. The tissue paper actually felt as valuable, if not more, as the user’s handkerchief. For a brief moment, it got misled. It overestimated its importance. The fleeting, but deceptive, feeling convinced the tissue paper to render as worthy a service as it could possibly do. It did its best. It was still in its state of dream, when it suddenly found itself in the dust bin.

It was a hard shock to take in. It could not understand what had just happened. The handkerchief was still the favorite; it was in the user’s hand. The fall from grace, both figuratively and literally, was hard to take. It was under a state of shock.

This brings us to the real questions. Whose fault was it? Was it the user’s fault or the tissue paper’s? Was it not foolish of the tissue paper to compare itself with the favored handkerchief, despite words to the contrary? If it is that dumb to believe in such promises, then does it not deserve the turmoil it is presently finding itself in? These are questions that remain unanswered. They would each bring out a subjective view. Views, each differing from the other due to the different co-ordinates of life we occupy.

Personally, I believe the tissue paper was totally wrong for being so naïve. It should have learnt the lessons of life better. It should have realized its worth correctly, the sole purpose it was supposed to serve. If a fish jumps out of its pond, it asphyxiates to death. One cannot feel sorry for such an event. It is inevitable. Life has a hard way of teaching us the vital lessons. Our poor tissue paper probably learnt its. Hopefully, it won’t be forgotten.