Cost of Guilt

We all make mistakes. It is an integral part of what defines us as human. There are situations we face everyday, decisions we take. These decisions are not always in sync with our core thoughts and values; values we would like to adhere to. Circumstances force us to change our line of thought. What may be termed as change, can also be looked upon as a lack of integrity, or guts to stand by one’s belief. These are difficult situations to deal with. Problems with either no solutions or the paths leading to the right solution are so arduous that we fear to tread it.

The problems have their root in the basic understanding we have of what is right and what is wrong. Some rights and wrongs we inherit from our environment, but most others are defined by the answers we arrive at after deep introspection. Over a period of time, we develop certain frameworks which we consider as sacrosanct. Beliefs we stick to, taking on considerable difficulties at times. They become ingrained in our persona.

We face challenges all the time. The challenges grow with time, both in terms of strength and intricacy. Each test we pass strengthens our resolve, but at the same time helping us to refine our understanding of our value system. This process continues till the resolve fails or a change is necessitated. It is a painful realization. You don’t want to admit defeat, even if it is as apparent as it can be. One looks for excuses, reasons, etc. to console himself/ herself, to justify the developments. But deep inside, one knows. At times like these, the mind comes up with ingenious strategies to lessen the guilt feeling. One such method is to quantify the cost of guilt and trying to pay for it.

Guilt cannot be quantified. It is a feeling that stays with a person. But, there are various ways the escapist within tries to put a price to lessen/ remove the guilt feeling. Religion has, over the ages, prepared an exhaustive set of guidelines on the same. Another method could be to assess the loss incurred the last time one did not relent. The more imaginative a mind is, the more ways it can come up with. However, it is only a temporary patch up. Like an attempt to draw a line on water.

I had an encounter on similar lines. I built up a paper castle around my guilt and tried to buy my guilt off. Unfortunately, it did not come off. The castle ended up in ashes, making me face the reality I had been trying to avoid. Below the surface, it was always clear to me. Even a momentary attempt at unburdening myself failed.